I Should Be Happier

I’m sitting here in my own house with pup snoring somewhere down the hallway and my day is completely my own. I can write, I can sit out on the porch and read a book. I’m in good (enough) health.  I have plenty of food in the fridge.  Money in the bank to pay my bills.  Good friends. Family is doing well.  The nasty stress that used to feel like a hundred-pound weight pressing down on my shoulders is a distant memory.  I’m on track to have my best month ever self-publishing.

And yet…

I’m dissatisfied.

I want more.

I want to know that my writing will pay my bills. That I can keep doing this for years and be successful at it.  I want to know that I’ll be able to keep this house long-term.  I don’t want to have to return to that world that I did well in but that felt like wearing one of those Medieval hair shirts.

I should be happy right now.  I’m making forward progress towards my dreams.

But I want to write a book that people adore.  That they tell their friends about and re-read over and over again because it’s just that good.  And a book that I love, too.  Not something I write to appeal to the masses, but something I write because I love it and I find the people who feel the same way.

I sit here, overwhelmed with so many ideas and so many possible paths and no way to know which one leads to where I want to be.

I’m grateful for everything I have.  I am. I have been so so fortunate to do what I’ve done the last seven years since I left my day job.  I just…I want more. And I’m beginning to fear that that’s always how I’ll be.  That there will be moments of happiness or contentment, but that they’ll be gone within a day or a week.  That I will always see what more life could be and never truly be able to settle into the moment and enjoy it for what it is…

About M. H. Lee

M.H. Lee is a speculative fiction writer currently residing in Colorado whose stories are sometimes dark, sometimes funny, sometimes darkly funny, but hopefully always thought-provoking and entertaining.
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One Response to I Should Be Happier

  1. Wanting to be more is good. It’s wanting to have more that can be a problem. Wanting to grow is essential for human happiness.

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