It’s way too early in the morning for me to be awake yet. But, sometimes your mind kicks in and there’s nothing you can do but get up and deal with whatever it is that won’t let you sleep any longer. Which is what I just spent the last couple of hours doing.
And man was it hard. I was basically sending off e-mails that acknowledge that something I’ve been working towards for the past three years isn’t going to happen. There’s still some small glimmer of hope that it’ll turn itself around, but realistically the thing is dead. And if it does work itself out it isn’t going to be anytime soon.
So, I’m grieving for a lost opportunity. And really I’m grieving for two lost opportunities although I’d given up on the secondary one a while ago. (I’m a raging optimist, so I never ever truly give up. I still reserve the right to believe that there’s a .01% chance of my making it into space before I die even though I long ago turned away from my dreams of being an astronaut. And after reading that book that provided some candid insight into the shit they go through to be in space, I’m kind of glad I did.)
It sucks to admit that something you want isn’t going to happen. It really, really sucks. But it has to happen sometimes.
And in weird and twisted ways this may be really good for me. I’m pretty sure it will be good for me money-wise. And family-wise. And friend-wise. I’m just not sure how my “soul” is going to handle it. But that’s what new dreams are for, right? And maybe the next one will fit a little better with all the rest of it.
So, by year-end this should all be behind me and I can turn to the next big dream. But for now I’m going to be wallowing in my hurt for a bit. (Not too much. That damned work project won’t let me.)
(And I won’t let me. As harsh as I may be in judging others, I’m about 100 times harder on myself. So, I get a free cry here or there and then it’s time to buck up and move on.)